


An Unexpected Visitor

by Bead, darth_stitch



Series: The Cracky Ideas Which Come From Tumblr, and are Darth_Stitch's Fault [2]
Category: Chronicles of Narnia - C. S. Lewis, Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005), North and South - Elizabeth Gaskell | UK TV, The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Adventure, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Animal Transformation, Comment Fic, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, F/M, Humor, Inspired By Tumblr, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-08
Updated: 2013-08-08
Packaged: 2017-12-22 20:20:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/917620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bead/pseuds/Bead, https://archiveofourown.org/users/darth_stitch/pseuds/darth_stitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Tenth Doctor shows up at Bilbo Baggin's smial, looking for directions to Radagast's house.  What. On. Middle. Earth?</p><p>Recommend you read my fic <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/895777/chapters/1729901">A Change in Status</a> first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Unexpected Visitor

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Wizard, the Cat and the Hobbit in the Wardrobe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/898290) by [darth_stitch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/darth_stitch/pseuds/darth_stitch). 
  * Inspired by [A Change In Status](https://archiveofourown.org/works/895777) by [Bead](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bead/pseuds/Bead). 



> Oh my goodness. My friend darth_stich has a little place called The Blanket Fort, where all her writing muses live and plot bunnies live, and they get up to all sorts of adventures of their own. One day, the Tenth Doctor wandered into the midst of one of _her_ crack fics (which I gleefully had abetted earlier) and not being a Whovian, she was utterly bewildered by his arrival. I stepped in to help. And then it sort of mushroomed into a blasted _plot._ Honestly, I've written more crack concepts hanging around her than I ever have before. Terrible influence. I love it. 
> 
> I've got to do a spot of research on the Seventh Doctor, but rest assured, more chapters will be coming in the next few weeks. Thanks for your patience!
> 
> ETA: 01/17/2014. Oh dear, I've totally forgotten where I was going with this. Oops?

"Well, hello, hello _helloooo!_ " The tall man said after somehow bending his lanky body to sneak under Bilbo's arm, spinning about the entryway of Bilbo's home in a pleased manner.  "What a lovely, lovely smial!  Bungo did himself proud he did."  He rocked on his heels, (in VERY ODD shoes) hands in pockets, and managed to beam like a benevolent old uncle despite his youthful appearance. 

"Well, um.  Hello," Bilbo said, completely confounded.  "Have we met?" 

"Oh!  No, I wouldn't think so!"  He darted forward to shake Bilbo's hand.   "The Doctor, pleased to meet you, Bilbo Baggins.  Knew your mother.  Now there was a fine companion.  Belladonna Took," he said, popping the "b" and the "t."    He shook his head, smiling clearly remembering good times.  

"You...went on adventures with my mother?"

"Oh, yes, loads.  You know."  He shrugged, smiling.  

"I-I've only ever heard her talk about her adventures with Gandalf, or within the Shire."  

"Really?  Interesting." He seemed distracted, then blurted suddenly.  "Is that Westfarthing china?"  He darted off to the cabinet, took a saucer out and licked it.  

"Now, see here!" Bilbo spluttered.  Who _licks_ china? Other than to get at a particularly good bit of sauce or somesuch, but _clean?_

"A bit over a century, oh they look fine.  Your grandmother's" he informed Bilbo.  

"Yes, I know!"  

Before Bilbo could get another half-a-word in edgewise, his family was there, Thorin gently easing open the ajar door, Orcrist in hand.  

"Dearest," Bilbo called with desperate cheer.  "We have company.  And I do hope he'll stay for tea."   They'd worked out a system, after an attempt on Bilbo's life in Erebor, first, by leaving the door ajar, if he could, to alert family members someone new was inside. Secondly, for Bilbo to identify friendly (seeming) folk as staying to tea, unfriendly as people who _just couldn't_ stay for tea, and those he was unsure of in varying degrees of positivity.  The Doctor seemed friendly, if a bit odd.  He let out a sigh as his husband's shoulders relaxed, and he sheathed his sword, and the nephews tucked their own weapons away.  

"Oh, you're _dwarves!_ " The Doctor crowed, obviously delighted, completely ignoring that three armed dwarrow had come in giving him suspicious looks. "And that looked to have been a quite fine sword, Dwarf-Lord.  "First age?  Gondolin, it looked like. Very interesting for a dwarf of this age to carry."  He realized suddenly that he might have said something a bit rude, tugged on his earlobe and began over.  

"Hello! I'm the Doctor."  

"Thorin Oakenshield, and these are my nephews...."

He doctor had gone quite pale and still. "Kili and Fili, archer and heir." The Doctor breathed. "King Under the Mountain. You lived."  

"I beg your pardon?" 

"Did the dragon come, then? Smaug?" 

Thorin frowned. "Yes, but we claimed the mountain back, from him with the help of Bilbo.  Five years past."  

"Right," The Doctor swung back at glanced at Bilbo.  "With Bilbo. Ring-bearer, Luckwearer, Barrel Rider, author of "There and Back Again"..."  He ruffled the back of his short hair up and gazed at the four of them, eyes distant.  "And everybody lived."  He looked at Thorin.  "And I am so sorry about the dragon, and your people. So, so sorry."

Bilbo felt like he could hear Thorin's knuckles creak as he clenched his fists.  He nodded his awkward thanks, shortly, but Bilbo could tell all three of them were watching The Doctor very closely. 

And  the man made another sharp change of mood.  "Right.  Mirkwood still diseased?"  They nodded.   

"Elrond still in Rivendell, Galadriel in Lothlorien?"  More nods.  Thorin growled a bit at the mention of elves and The Doctor threw him a merry glance.  

"Thranduil still a great prat?"  

"Prat is putting it mildly," Thorin grumbled, which made the man beam.

"Met anybody named Estel?"

Bilbo frowned. "Yes, he's the foster son of Elrond. Just a boy.

The Doctor nodded, eyes faraway, thinking and he rocked on his heels. "Yes, yes. Good. And you still have the Ring, right, Bilbo? Somewhere safe? And the two of you," he pointed between Thorin and Bilbo...together at last?  He looked as pleased as if he'd introduced them himself.  "That's a lovely change. Always hated that part." 

"All right, that's  _it_ ," Bilbo said, temper breaking at last.  "Everyone sit down, we're having tea and  _you_ ," he jabbed a finger at The Doctor. "Will tell us exactly why you know so much about us."  

The Doctor made an apologetic face.  "Oh, I'd love to, I really would, especially if you're as good a cook as your parents, but I really need to get on this little errand I'm about.  It's why I looked you up, really. I'd love to come back, though.  Do you have your mother's ginger peach jam recipe?  Lovely stuff, jam. Good for the brain."  

Bilbo squeezed his eyes shut, an unexpected pang of grief for his mother hitting him, and took a deep breath.   "What can we help you with, then, Doctor?" he asked with brittle cheer.  

He pulled on his earlobe again, looked a bit nervous, and made a face like he was asking nothing of import.  "Oh, nothing big, really, just looking for an old friend of mine.  Lives, or lived relatively near the Mirkwood previously, but word has it he's staying here in the Shire these days? Or near abouts?  Name of Radagast?  Likes brown, everything that grows and has a soft spot for hedgehogs. Does a wicked bird whistle?"  He attempted the whistle with dismal success, but smiled hopefully.  "I have bit of business with him."

"Are you a wizard, too?" Kili asked eagerly.  "You don't look like one."

"Wizard? Me, no no no no, n'no.  Well.....yes, I guess so. Of a sort. Yes. Hmm."

"That seems like the kind of thing one ought to know about oneself," Bilbo said slowly.  

The Doctor shrugged.  "Well, you know, I keep my hand in here and there."  He took out a short metal object with a glowing blue tip and twirled it in his fingers.  

"I knew it!" Kili cried.  "It's the coat!  They always have big swingy cloaks and a staff with a glowy thing.  And are really odd."

"If that's a staff, I'm afraid to say you cut it a bit short, Doctor," Thorin said, eyebrows raised.  

"Metal."  

"And well crafted, it seems."

The Doctor bowed.  "Now _that_ is a compliment, your majesty.  Truly, I would love to stay and visit, but my matter is somewhat pressing.  Do you know where I might find Radagast?"  He thumbed his earlobe again nervously.  "I wouldn't press but..."

"We are very fond of the wizard, no matter how strange he may seem."

"He grows on you," Fili said.   


"Like mushrooms," Kili added and they snorted with laughter.  

"Lads," Bilbo said quietly.  

"I promise you, Thorin, son of Thráin , son of Thrór, King Under the Mountain, that I would no more harm Radagast the Brown than I would myself."  It seemed a very solid vow.  

The two warriors - for Bilbo recognized now, the light of a warrior and something of a lord or a king about The Doctor as well - stared at one another for a few long moments, then Thorin took a deep, considering breath and let it out.  Bilbo did too, not realizing he was watching the exchange with such tension.  

"We'll take you to him," Thorin said, drawing himself up to his full height.  "It's not far.  I'll get your pack, Bilbo."  He inclined his head, and retreated down the hall to their bedroom.

"I'll pack a hamper for us," Bilbo said, heading for the pantry.  

"Oh, no no, that's not...."  

Bilbo turned on his heel and fixed The Doctor with a look and a stern finger.  "You are, under no circumstances, to eat anything that old loon offers you.  He's lived alone for far too long and tends to make experimental recipes that have half-killed my family, and they've not had luncheon or tea.  I nearly thought the old fool had stopped his own heart one day with a bad batch of mushrooms, but he gasped and hit himself in the chest several times and was up again two minutes later..." 

"Yes, that sounds about right," The Doctor said faintly.  

"And we're all going because, as we said, we're fond of Radagast, oddness aside, and we need his knowledge to help renew the land around Erebor, so as well as being a friend and a wizard, he's very important to a lot of people not starving. And well, you seem rather odd, apologies if that offends. So we'd be glad to help, you, but...." 

"I swear I won't hurt him, Bilbo."  

"You see why we're careful."  

"I do."  The Doctor put on a slightly sad smile and rocked on his heels.  "Nice to have a Took and a Baggins as a companion again.  All in one person."    

Bilbo did not quite know what to say to that - his father, adventuring? - so he gave a slight nod, and called the lads to the kitchen.  

The Doctor was left in the sitting room, where his genial mask fell to reveal deep worry.  He stared around the walls of the smial, crestfallen.  He wouldn't be able to get to all the locks in time to seal all of them in before he left.  He pulled out his screwdriver and scowled at it.  "I knew I should have made a setting for wood," he muttered.   He'd have to make the best of it.  


End file.
